I wrote the following post last week and never posted it. I knew the intensity of the feelings would lift, and I wanted to be able to look back upon it from a stronger place. I’m posting because it shares another facet of my long distant romance. I know I’m not in this alone; there are a growing number of LDR (long distance relationship) couples out there. Speaking as one, it sometimes it feels like this:
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I have a heart. I feel. Today, I hurt. I miss my love more than I can say. This pain is unlike any I’ve ever know. It’s its own unique blend of powerlessness and grief, frustration and ache. I’m kind of taken aback by the power of these feelings today. And I’m even more pissed that no one seems to get it. I just want to be with the person I love. That’s all. Is that too much to f&#*ing ask?
Some days, it’s not so bad. He’s living his life. I’m living what’s left of mine. There’s shit to do. Today, however, all I can feel is the total lack of satisfaction. I want to throw a tantrum. I want to scream and destroy things. Anything not to feel this dull ache and void. Anything not to be in this awful waiting.
Do you, you people in relationship who see your honey on a regular basis, do you appreciate that you do? Do you appreciate the fact that you can not only get a hug, a real hug, but that you can feeeeel it…the body heat, the muscles, the softness, the energy of love? Do you appreciate the fact that you can get on with your life because you’re not in some kind of god-forsaken limbo waiting for all the pieces of your puzzle to come together?
Stop what you’re doing. Just stop. And make a beeline for your love in the next room. Touch each other and look into each other’s eyes and appreciate what you’ve been given. Appreciate it for all of us who are separated from those we love. Drop to your knees in ecstatic gratitude for the simple pleasure of a caress and know you have been given a privilege and a treasure more valuable than gold.
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The fact is, I may call this time a “limbo” but there’s a lot going on here under the surface…stuff beyond my understanding. I just have to trust the process. Now, I can say that going into that dull ache and void wasn’t so bad after all. It passed. I’m still here, but I’m a little less attached to time and a little more surrendered. What else can I do? Feelings come and go.