Good Days & Bad Days

The morning I left Asheville, I was experiencing some pretty strange sensations. The energy was quite “swirly” for lack of a better descriptor. It was difficult to keep myself upright as I walked through my house one last time cutting cords and dispelling energies for recycling. When I finally pulled out of the driveway in my shiny Nissan Versa rental, I didn’t look back.

I drove to Virginia and spent a week with family. It was a bit stressful due to a family health issue, but somehow, I made it through that test (as did the family member) and landed in France.

I’ve been here for four days. Hard to believe! The first night, I woke up bawling my eyes out. It just woke me up and came over me like a wave. This was followed by two pretty good days in which I managed to converse with the receptionist at the Citroen dealership regarding a car maintenance issue as well as a pharmacist to acquire the appropriate homeopathic remedy for allergies. Today, however, not such a good day. The walls started to close in all around me as my total lack of control for every aspect of my life finally hit me.

I’m pretty damn helpless here, a hard pill for a formerly totally independent woman to swallow. And there isn’t much I can do about that. We’re in the middle of nowhere, and I don’t drive standard…let alone know where to go anyway.

We made the decision for me to come and look for our place to live together rather than Stuart finding us a place on his own. And I knew all along that I would be challenged by the fact that I…a place for everything and everything in its place little me…wouldn’t be in control of my environment here. Environments are crucial to my sense of security, inner peace, and efficiency. I don’t just like order; I NEED it to function. Having let go of so much to get here, I now have so little with which to create my space. In truth, this space isn’t mine. And it never will be. The sooner we find our new home, the better.

I may be surrounded by beautiful paintings but they do little to offset the total chaos of two merging lives. The hideous temporary furnishings, cold tile floors (so fun for yoga), cold rooms, lack of light, and lack of space are creeping me out. There is no space to call my own…no retreat. No functionality. So I wander from room to room or sit “in my own little 4 ft. corner in an absurdly uncomfortable chair” in Stuart’s office in front of my computer, twiddling my thumbs or going back and forth from Gmail to Facebook with a frighteningly compulsive regularity.

I tried to set up a makeshift altar in one of my suitcases, but it did little to alleviate my growing sense of discomfort (and hence Stuart’s). Today was so bad that only the Lilly of the Valley plant that Stuart got me could take my attention off my misery…and only for as long as I sat there staring at it and inhaling its delightful fragrance…offset as it was with one of his paintings behind it.

I know I just need to be patient. I have food, water, clothing, shelter, air…fabulous air! Lots of quiet. All this upheaval won’t last forever.

…but it may be up and down for a while.